


Three

by Libelli



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: (they're imaginary), Abortion, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Angst, Blood, Discussion of Abortion, F/F, Female Ash Lynx, Female Okumura Eiji, Forced Abortion, Gender or Sex Swap, Genderbending, Genderswap, Guilt, Harm to Children, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Abortion, Panic Attacks, Past Abortion, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Teenage Pregnancy, imaginary children, just a lot of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 15:00:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19022293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Libelli/pseuds/Libelli
Summary: Eimi nodded. They were both quiet and then Eimi said very quietly: “Did you ever…”“Yes.” Ash said, her voice was quick and clipped. She kept her focus away from Eimi’s face, she didn’t want to see the expression, whatever it was.“How many?” It was not a question.Ash took in a sharp breath. She wondered what had tipped Eimi off. Ash chewed her lip and swirled her coffee in it’s mug. “Three.”





	Three

**Author's Note:**

> I was thinking about what would happen if Ash and Eiji were gender bent and then I immediately thought of the obvious what if Ash had gotten pregnant? Then I wrote this. 
> 
> I am pro-choice, and my Ash is too. I just feel like Ash would have a lot of feelings about this considering he (and in this case she) feels guilty and is terrified of a lot.

Ash sank down into the water and let the warmth hold her. She wasn’t sure how long she sat there, but she was drifting. There was a knock on the door. 

“Ash? It’s me. I finally found some towels.” Eimi said. 

“Come in,” Ash mumbled. 

She heard the door creak open and then Eimi gasped. Ash’s eyes snapped open, any sense of calmness that had been around her was gone. She sat up right in the tub and whipped around to face Eimi. 

“What is it? What’s wrong?!” 

“You’re bleeding!” Eimi cried, clutching the towels to her chest like some damsel in distress. 

White hot alarm shot through Ash, she looked down and saw the bath water was turning red. She cursed and hopped out of the tub, snatching one of the towels from Eimi. Ash sat on the edge of the tub for a second with her towel wrapped around her and retraced her steps. Eimi still stood in the doorway her eyes wide. Ash thought back, but could not place even a single nick to her skin in the past few days. She looked down and saw droplets of red streaking down her thigh. 

Ash laughed a little. “Well, at least I’m not pregnant.” she joked.

“Huh?” Eimi asked. 

“It’s my period.” Ash said. 

Eimi’s face turned bright. “Oh! Uh,  _ oh… _ .” 

Eimi robotically placed the towels down and then walked out of the bathroom, her back as stiff as a board. Ash rolled her eyes.  _ Typical Eimi _ . Ash got dressed and walked out to the kitchen where Eimi was already pouring two cups of coffee. Ash took one, thanked her, and then eased herself into her usual seat. Eimi sat across from her and kept her eyes down in her cup. 

“You’re quiet.” Ash said. 

Eimi shrugged. “You thought you were  _ pregnant _ ?” she whispered. 

Ash almost spit her coffee back into her mug. Eimi was staring at her with the biggest, most concerned eyes. Ash swallowed down the fear prickling red-hot underneath her skin and showed Eimi an amused smile. 

“Not this time, but when it happens to you enough you always worry about it.” she said. Eimi averted her gaze. “You’ve never freaked out and thought you were pregnant?”

Eimi shook her head. “I’ve never gotten close enough with someone to…” 

Something snapped in Ash’s chest, she wasn’t sure what it was, but it was definitely  _ something _ . She stared at Eimi across the table, she watched as Eimi kept her gaze pointed down and her fingers tangled in her dark hair. Eimi’s cheeks were rosy. Everything about her, her purity, her freedom, made Ash feel grimy and gritty. Ash looked down at the mug in her hands, her fingers with dirt under the nails circled around the cup. 

“Some girls I went to high school with...happened to them a couple of times.” Eimi offered. “I remember how freaked out they were because they were a week late or something, then how happy they were to walk up and announce they were definitely not pregnant.”

Ash snickered and rolled her eyes. She’d done that a few times. 

“One time someone actually was pregnant.” Eimi said. She laughed. “You would have thought her life had ended, she skipped school and cried for two days.”

Prickles ran across Ash’s skin again. She looked up, all traces of her smile gone. “What did she do?”

Eimi’s amusement vanished when she saw the look on Ash’s face. “She married her boyfriend and last I heard their son was starting to go to school.” 

Ash’s face went grey. “Oh. That’s nice.”

Eimi nodded. They were both quiet and then Eimi said very quietly: “Did you ever…”

“Yes.” Ash said, her voice was quick and clipped. She kept her focus away from Eimi’s face, she didn’t want to see the expression, whatever it was. 

“How many?” It was not a question.

Ash took in a sharp breath. She wondered what had tipped Eimi off. Ash chewed her lip and swirled her coffee in it’s mug. “Three.” 

Eimi gasped, it was small, like she was trying to hide it. “What...happened to them?” she asked. Then she added quickly. “ _ If you don’t mind me asking _ .”

“Aborted. All of them.” 

Ash’s heart twisted in on itself.  _ Don’t look. Don’t look. Don’t look _ . But Ash needed someone. So, she made the mistake of looking up. Eimi’s face was on the verge of tears, but iron hard. Ash’s composure cracked. 

“I was twelve,” Eimi made no attempt to stop her, “then thirteen, and then barely sixteen.” Ash bit the inside of her cheek to distract herself from her stinging eyes. “Dino would always make sure the people that bought me for the night would wear condoms, I wasn’t old enough for any of the fancy stuff, and he didn’t trust me to take birth control yet...sometimes they wouldn’t. ‘It’ll be our little secret’ they told me like they were talking to a child even though they were about to do what they were about to do. The first one was 'just an accident'. The second one, Dino didn’t care anymore and got me pills. He was so pissed. Never let those guys buy me again. Of course he never told them about the babies. He didn’t want them getting all sympathetic and trying to take me away.”

“And the third one?” Eimi asked. 

Ash screwed her face on straight. “After Dino killed my boyfriend...I couldn’t take care of it by myself. There was no way. The two of us weren’t ready, and me alone?” Ash smiled despite herself. “It was far enough along they could tell the gender, it could move, but it couldn’t  feel pain. I think it was a boy. They never told me, I wouldn’t let them, but it felt like it.” She chewed her bottom lip. “I never felt him move, which I guess is for the best.” 

“I’m sorry. You seem really upset about it.” was all Eimi could say.

“No one has an abortion and feels  _ happy _ .” Ash said. She took a sip of her coffee and her nerves settled only a little. “Relieved, yes, but not happy. It’s not a wild, fun, Friday night activity. But I would do it again.” she murmured. “It was the right thing to do. This is no place for a kid.” 

Eimi was quiet and suddenly Ash felt like she shouldn’t be there. Her story hung in the air like an angry storm cloud. She excused herself from the table and hurried into her room. Ash closed the door tight behind her. She sat down on her bed and felt like her whole body was shaking; her chest was tight and every breath stung. 

Eimi probably thought Ash was cold and cruel. The thought made the room swirl around Ash. She had let them kill two of her children and hen killed the third one. She was no better than her own parents. Her own mother. 

_ Stop _ . Ash told herself.  _ You had no choice. It’s not your fault. If they had lived...if they had been born…  _

Ash’s mind flashed three children in front of her. She could see them as clearly as she could see her own hands. Two girls with golden hair and jade eyes and a boy with floppy, brown curls and bright, brown eyes. They stood watching her. They looked so much like her, like she was staring into a de-aging mirror. They were beautiful. They were beautiful because they were hers. 

And for a moment she imagined what it would have been like to hold them. Kiss them as they cried. Feel them heavy and warm in her arms.

_ I had no choice _ . Ash wanted to say to the three as they stared blankly at her. She reached her hand out, but it could never be far enough. They were just out of reach. None of them even looked down to see Ash’s hand. 

And suddenly the happy idea of Ash holding one of her newborn children shifted into a scene where she was a little girl, sitting in a too big, white, sterile hospital bed. Dino sat next to her and asked (like he needed permission) to hold her baby, and of course she gave them to him. And then the baby was no longer hers. They belonged to Dino. Just like she did. 

Ash thought of everything that would have happened if Dino had gotten his hands on her children. 

She saw her daughters and her son being sold and used like she had been. Dino would not have let her been a mother even if she had wanted to. It would have been smarter to hold them over her head like a prize. “You do this for me and you’ll get to see them for a whole afternoon.” “If you refuse I’ll have your son sold to a colonel I know with a penchant for young boys.” “Pick which child you want me to kill, go ahead my Lynx, your choice.” And she had no choice, but to listen to her children scream as Dino ordered his men to slit their throats one by one as Ash watched helplessly. They screamed for her to save them and reached their arms out for her before they went limp and grey.

Ash felt tears slip down her cheeks. She blinked and her ghost children were gone. She wrapped her shaking arms around herself and bowed her head. They never would have been safe. They would never have had kisses or bedtime stories or a good mother. 

The image of Eimi holding a crying child with skinned knees, shushing him until he calmed down came to Ash’s mind. It was like a stab in her heart. 

They would never have known Eimi. Or anyone half as good as her.

It had been the right choice a million times over.

The door opened and Eimi poked her head in. Ash trembled and stared at her like a deer in headlights. “Oh,  _ Ash… _ ” she sighed.

Eimi walked across the room and sat down next to Ash. Her shoulder brushed Ash’s. They sat in silence save for the honking of car horns below. Finally, Eimi took in a quick breath. 

“There was this guy...we were kind of dating. He was great and everything. He had a good family. He was smart. Good looking. But he wanted more from me.” Eimi licked her lips and picked at her fingernails. “Every time he touched me or tried to kiss me all I could think about was what if I got pregnant? I knew I couldn’t take care of a kid. I didn’t even want to.” 

Ash met Eimi’s gaze and her smile filled her with warmth. “You didn’t do a bad thing, Ash. I would’ve made the same choice.” 

Ash faltered and she wanted to smile and cry at the same time. “ _ I never got a choice _ .” she repeated, her voice low and hoarse. 

Eimi reached out and held Ash’s hand loosely and where their hands touched they were warm. “I know.” her hand seemed to say, but also “It’s okay.”


End file.
